I want to yell when something unexpected and urgent comes up. I used to believe that if my kids went potty before we left, we would avoid the hassle of taking a bathroom break at the store. An uninterrupted shopping trip is what I planned on. This created much anger and frustration for me when kids had to pee at the store. I didn’t expect it and I put the effort in to prevent it! However, after much shopping with my kids, I now EXPECT that my children will need to go potty there. When you expect to be interrupted and distracted, you are sort of mentally prepared and the reaction is more “okay, here we go” instead of “crap! why does this have to happen?! ” which usually ends up in grouchiness and speaking harshly to my children. Now I’m not saying to expect the worst from your children and treat every circumstance like a no biggie, but things like taking the kids to the bathroom at the store, or cleaning up a juice spill during dinner are things children can’t help doing once in a while. They are children so will do childish things. We can’t expect them to be as coordinated or emotionally controlled as an adult. In fact, sometimes to keep my cool I have to think of my children as mentally disabled because they are, if you’re trying to compare them with adults who have fully grown brains. Our cuties won’t have the ability to think logically or control emotion well until they are 8 years old, and even then, they won’t reach full brain maturity until closer to 20 years of age. This knowledge changes me perspective in knowing that my children can learn, but children will still act childishly because they are children and literally not mature mentally. So expect your children to be childish, but that doesn’t mean give up on them. Expect that your potty training child may have an accident and be ready for it, but don’t let up on taking her every hour. Be calmly consistent. They will eventually get it, and overcome things you are worried about, with your help.

I want to yell when power struggles come up. Avoid power struggles when you can. Give kids good warning when a change is coming up to make the transition smoother, and give them choices whenever possible. I give a 2 min warning when we go to the park so my kids have time to process leaving soon. Sometimes I ask how many more minutes they want. Usually it’s reasonable, and I don’t get any argument when I say time’s up! You could also give them a choice- do you want 2 more minutes or 5 more minutes? Let them feel like they have some control. There is always a choice to be found like, “Do you want to stay seated and eat dinner or get down and go to bed hungry?” Or possibly, “You can pick up your toys or if they don’t matter enough to you to take care of then I will come in and put them in the yard sale box.”

I want to yell at my children because I want them to actually listen to me and do what I’m saying so they don’t suffer a consequence. I repeat my request hoping they will listen the 2nd time? Sometimes it’s because I don’t want them to have to have a correction and other times it is out of laziness on my part, not wanting to have to think of one. This is where our time outs come in-our kids time out is not their correction, it’s a place they go so they don’t cause any more trouble while I think of a related consequence. At one point I realized that I was using yelling as a replacement of the consequence for not listening the first time. Calmly correct the first time, like a police officer would. They don’t scream at you as they write you up, you just get your ticket for breaking the speed limit. Enforce but don’t take it personally when they don’t listen, and don’t use yelling as your punishment.

I want to yell when we are going to be late. Tight scheduling and rushing don’t work and lead to a CRAZY SAUCE MOMMY! I got into the habit of rushing to church at the last minute years ago, because when we get their early it means more time for my kids to suffer sitting on the bench while I wrestle with them-am I right? So pretty soon I was leaving as close as possible to getting there exactly on time and then we had more children and it became us being late. The pressure of time causes a natural desire to hurry in me, but my cuties don’t even know how many seconds are in a minute let alone what it means when I say we have to leave in a half hour! I tried to explain the time of one minute and ended up telling them that one minute was about how long it takes to walk up the stairs of the tallest slide at the park and slide to the bottom. I have to give myself an hour slot for us to finish our morning getting-ready-for-the-day routine before we go anywhere. Even that is pushing it, and any less time is almost a guaranteed a yelled sentence here or there. Allow yourself enough time in the day by expecting that everything will take a long time, and if it goes quickly YAY, try to have a backup plan in case you get extra time of things you can do or fun you can have with your kids.

I want to yell in power struggles. Avoid power struggles when you can. This is done by giving choices-not putting them in control by asking something like “would you like to do your chores today?” but instead “I notice you haven’t started your chores yet. Which one would you like to do first?” type thing. My rule is give 2 choices, maybe 3 because more than that always seems pretty overwhelming to my kids and they usually end up choosing something weird that they don’t even like. Whatever you do, if you give them a choice, be willing to accept either option they choose. This was taught to me in college Psychology and I thought it was brilliant! For example, it was my cousin’s birthday and his parents wanted him to try the dinner they made. He wouldn’t even take a bite. So…they gave him a choice that he could either take one bite just to try it and be done, or he wouldn’t get any of his birthday cake. Guess what? He chose no birthday cake. See, I think the parents were trying to come up with an option so awful that he would just take the bite of food and when he chose no birthday cake they decided they wouldn’t have that either because who shouldn’t have birthday cake on their birthday? They altered his choices to be either try a bite or do all the dinner dishes by hand himself (they didn’t have a dishwasher). They were honestly okay about whichever option he chose. It is actually really hard to do, because you have to sit and think in your head how you would feel if they really did choose this or that and make sure the correction fits the problem so that there are no hard feelings on the child’s side of being too harsh, and no hard feelings on your side by feeling like the child got away with something.

I want to yell at a children when he or she seems naughty all day. An idea to avoid this that rings true with all of my children, is spending quality time with them and connecting with them on a daily basis. This magically make them WANT to listen to me more and actually do what I ask without yelling or correction. When your children know you love them enough to take sincere interest in what THEY are saying or what you are doing to play with them, they will be more likely to listen to YOU and help you when you ask. I think the most important part is connecting with each child SOME time during the day, even if it’s just for a minute, really examining that picture she colored and holding her tight while you tell her great work, or saying yes when he asks you to build legos with him, really focusing on him and trying to create something amazing, even for a minute or two. Try to say yes more. I am in the habit of saying no, for some reason 😉 Would it really hurt for them to get a treat at the store to share? Or go to the park even though everyone’s shoes need to be found first? I know it takes a lot of effort and there are always ‘things’ that need to be done but what kinds of things do we want our kids to remember us doing with them as a child?

I get the urge to yell when my youngest is crying and everyone else needs me at that moment too. When my 4th child was born I quickly started using the phrase “please wait your turn, I am helping ___ right now and then I will get right to you. Sometimes it gets so intense that I need to say okay everyone, it’s MOMMY’S turn now, usually because I have to go to the bathroom, get my workout in, or do a step of prepping dinner.

Feeling bitter can be a yelling trigger. It may seem unfair how much your children, or even your spouse, expects of you. When you feel things are unfair, do what makes you happy for you. It is important to take a turn for yourself sometimes. Forget the to-do list for a half hour a day and do something that makes you happy! Tell your children to work it out themselves or don’t be by each other. You don’t have to lose your identity in motherhood. For example, I like to garden. Growing food that will help our budget and our health does wonders for my soul :D! Also reading nutrition stuff is great too, or even just sitting and resting my eyes with NO GUILT while my kids are by me watching a show is pretty nice too. We. Deserve. Something. If you are always giving and never receiving, your tank is running on negative, which is usually=depression or bitterness. Bitterness keeps you from shining. You can’t take care of your family right if you are neglecting your own needs.

Cherish the moments. Lately I have tried to really live in a moment every day and imprint the memory of it in my brain. I get so sick of people saying -it will be over before I know it- or- they grow up so fast- or -enjoy it while I can before they are gone, etc. What are you people talking about. The mothers living in this stage have a hard time cherishing anything when they barely get a chance to go to the bathroom or wipe makeup off from the day before. Our arm feels like it’s gonna fall off from holding a baby or toddler all the time and we only own clothes that are as old as our first born because once you have kids, how ya gonna go try on clothes with a kid trying to escape under the changing door (why can’t they just make the door go all the way to the floor? It baffles me.). The thing is, it may be impossible to cherish everything, but we can take time to cherish something once in a while. Just remembering to cherish things is a challenge that I am trying and you know what? It happens a few times a week and really makes me happier and enjoy motherhood more when I do.

Yelling never created a change of heart in my children to want to do right-just temporary fear to do what I want so mommy isn’t mad anymore. Not the end goal, right? Have you ever yelled at your cuties? What tips do you have for us on yell reduction in the home? I can’t wait to read your suggestions below!